I love you

Today he told me I love you, all I could do was giggle because I don't know how I feel about him. It scared me to hear it, I mean I could love him one day I just don't right now. I care for him but I'm not at love yet.... I don't want to rush things by saying it back I want to make sure I mean it when I say it. He hasn't said he wants or needs me to say it back but we will see how long that lasts. I want to love him he's so sweet (most times) haha oh gosh so many things I need to think about...

How do you know when to let go?

This person that is on mind, it's hard for me to let him go and i have no clue why.. we dated over a year ago and I havent seen him sense. It's not that I'm in love with him, because that fact is that I'm not sure that ever was. Maybe i need closure, maybe it's the idea of him that keeps me holding on. We started texting again in June and talking about wanting to be together, the thing is he's in another state at the moment and has a girlfriend that he says the situation is difficult .i know I'm the fool for getting my hopes up but it's him i can't help myself i want to believe that there could be a future for us. I want to see what it is that i have missed there past 16 months. I know he will never fully be mine as long as hes with her but i guess i can deal with it because he's so far away. He's the reason i havent been able to fully open up and be with some one else... half me wants to move on and the other half of me wants to wait for him when he gets back from deployment and i will fully have a chance... hmm

just another day

To think you need some one in your life to feel complete, seems ridiculous if you ask me! But yet I always find myself wanting it, needing it... I try to ignore it, blow it off as much as possible but the feeling comes back and stays till I push them back down to where they belong. If only there was something else I could do to help me to take my mind off of these lousy feelings. I can't concentrate on much else, everything else I do only distracts me for so long. I want more from this life, but in the end I want the chance to find the one thing that matters the most to me, sadly who knows when that will come for me. Just when I think it's close, I turn around only to see there more hills to climb each one higher then the next. This can only mean one thing, a challenge to make me stronger for the next to come, so I can get to know what makes me happy. The funny thing is the only thing you need in life to be happy is yourself and that's how it should be, sad thing its a little harder to make yourself happy then one would think. Too many inner demons to ignore, telling you your not good enough, that you need the attention to be happy too feel good, even if it's just for that one pathetic moment in time. Try and ignore them, try to tell yourself you are better then that, but the thought is only there for a second only to be over come by everything else. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop giving in to what you know will only hurt worse in the end. If being happy is what you want then find that way to make it happen be stronger then you tell yourself your not!

First time...

I have had a lot of random things on my mind lately, so much in fact it has been keeping me up at night. That's a problem for me, for the simple fact that I love my sleep.
I hate the fact that in order to fall in love you have to let your walls down, but in order to not get heart broken you have to keep them up. It just so happens the one time I consider letting down my walls, it's with someone who has still has their walls up. I don't know if I want to wait around for them to go down, but if I did so it could be worth it, right? On the other hand I really enjoy being single!
If I stay single I won't have anything to hold me back from going to Hawaii for a while which would be awesome, I am in need of a change. I am looking forward to taking a break before I go back to school to get my BA.
That's the other thing I have no clue where and what I want to get my BA in. My AA is in visual communications, where the hell can that transfer? I could just stay at ITT but I don't know if I want to? ugh growing up is so not fun.